No ordinary love
Growing up Ruth didn’t suspect life would be any different from what her parents had envisioned for her. They hoped she would meet a nice boy, get married, and have beautiful little children. They didn’t anticipate the unexpected turn little Ruth’s life would take.

On a hot summer day, at a Buddhist course in a little village in France, Ruth Pepels life was turned upside down. Up until then Ruth’s life was like any ordinary 23 year old girl, except she’d had bad luck with boyfriends.

That fateful summer day Ruth fell in love, with the most unlikely person on the course; a woman, almost fifteen years older than her. “It was love at first sight and I couldn’t deny it to myself”she confesses, shyly running her hand through her fashionably cut brown hair, drawing attention to her blond highlights.

Growing up pains
This hadn’t been the first time that Ruth had been attracted to a woman. Even in Physiotherapist school, she’d felt an attraction towards the girls in her class, but she’d suppressed the feelings. And over time she became adept hiding them “I didn’t let anyone see it - not even myself” she admitted.

Although Ruth lives in Holland, one of the few countries that has legalised gay marriages - coming out of the closet was excruciatingly painful. ” When I finally came out in public I felt such indescribable shame and shyness; but I persevered because I’d never felt so happy and complete.”

It’s easy to see why it was so difficult for Ruth to come out. There is still a certain amount of stigma attached to being a lesbian.

There are several factors portraying that same sex orientation breaks the norm, as Katherine R Allen describes in the journal 1995 Opening the classroom closet, right from school there is no alternative lifestyle contesting the heterosexual norm. She says “The privilege of heterosexuality, marriage and parenthood is woven into the fabric of marriage and family pedagogy. Textbooks seem to reflect this norm rather than breaking new ground about our truly diverse society.”

Coming out
And Ruth’s parents were from the same school of thought, they hoped that it was a phase and she would soon get over it. “They were hoping after I’d had enough of women, I would start dating men. But those were their life’s goals not mine” she says vehemently.

Janet Jeffries, a counsellor at FFLAG (Friends and families of lesbians and gays), a support group in the UK, also confirmed:” The main concern of parents’ when they call us for advice is to find out whether this decision is just a stage. They are so worried about their daughters growing up lonely and alienated, that they almost hope it will be just a phase.”

As an afterthought Janet adds: “However, nine out of ten calls are from parents with young boys.” She explained this was probably because parents of lesbians are not as worried about the social discrimination “Society does not view lesbians as that much of a threat. Lesbian women are almost invisible - women can live together and it’s not as conspicuous as two men living together.”

Once Ruth’s parents’ initial panic subsided, even they became more accepting. “Maybe it wasn’t a choice they would have made for me, but when they realised how happy I was, I guess they thought there is nothing more important then seeing me happy” she said softly.

“On the other hand, most of my friends were very supportive throughout, and a few of them even said they’d known it for a long time” She said, genuinely surprised. She also had to deal with tremendous negativity in her surroundings, but she whispered without any bitterness “That’s when I realised who my real friends were.”

“My life, my terms”
Ruth is still uncomfortable and awkward talking about her girlfriend, Anja, with people she’s just met. “I really have to rely on my intuition – usually with younger people it’s no problem, but with the older generation I watch out.”

To her surprise her relationship with men has improved, “now we discuss what kind of girls we like. At work especially, I’ve become a lot closer to the boys, they’ve opened up to me; they even ask me for relationship advice, since we have the same problems” she says with a huge smile.
On a more serious note she concludes “It hasn’t been easy, despite the resistance I held on because I knew that Anja and I were meant to be together, no matter what people said.”